Emmi
My beautiful first born Emmi Grace.
I was just 19 when I fell pregnant, having always said if I was stupid enough to fall pregnant mistakenly then I should be mature enough to face the consequences. That is exactly what I did!
My relationship with her Dad at the time wasn't the most stable but I would not choose the alternative.
I hid the pregnancy until I was 20 weeks.
My Mum found out after discovering a congratulations card in my car glove box!!!
I hadn't even been to the doctors.
My only scan was on the 14th of February 2001, in the middle of the foot and mouth crisis. I remember driving through my village with the beautiful back drop of the Herefordshire countryside and welsh mountains, marred by the thick smoke of piles of cattle being destroyed. With a stiff westerly wind we could regularly smell the charred carcases, adding a horror scene to what has since returned to the most picturesque view you could wish to see. The song that sticks in my head from this time is Shaggy - It wasn't me.
It was on the day of Emmi's 6 week check up when I left the doctors and got back into my little Citroen Saxo, when on the radio the immortal words
"A plane had crashed into one of the twin towers"
My initial reaction was what an awful accident. I then drove the short journey home, sat on my Ikea futon make shift sofa and put the television on, just in time to see the second plane hit. I remember the exact feeling I had, like the blood in my body bubbling with fear slowly draining to my feet leaving my heart racing and my head light, having a double take at the screen to ensure I wasn't watching a film. What sort of a world was I bringing my tiny 6 week old daughter into. Is this really what I wanted the future to hold for my daughter?
She is an amazing big sister, thoughtful, kind, intelligent and the chief negotiator! Without her knowing she has been my rock. When she was a baby she was pretty much all I had, we spent many an evening and weekend just us as her Dad was too busy with sport or friends. It was extremely isolating and I struggled to be the best mum I could.
When I first separated from her Dad she chose to remain living with him. Not because she didn't want to be with me but because she didn't want her Dad to be alone. Its awful to say but she took on the roles of wife and mum within the house which really wasn't easy for her. We had many discussions about her choice and the fact she wouldn't spend much time with me and my new partner, however she was confident enough in herself to stand by her decision.
Something I am extremely proud of her for.
More often than not I would take it all very personally and end up extremely upset, although I would never do this in front of her as I never wanted her to feel my guilt. I think that is part of being a mum is that you try and protect your children from adult emotions to ensure they don't carry the burden of our life choices.
Emmi has recently moved in with her boyfriend who is in the RAF. She truly is an amazing young woman who has her head screwed on, is confident and assertive. We often have very thought provoking conversations about the world, which really is quite humbling for me.
Emmi taught me how to be a good mum.