How much can change in 12 months

Its 2011, the big 30 was looming, I was dreading it. I felt like I hadn't achieved what I was meant to have. Didn't really have a career at that time, didn't have any plans or idea about where I wanted to be. I just knew I didn't want to be 30. The feeling was horrendous, like I didn't want to exist - not suicidal, just not be who I was - if that makes sense.

The 2 photos above were taken 12 months apart, the pink t shirt I had blagged from a stall at the good food show in 2010. The blue dress was me winning an award for being Community Star in the area I live in, a wonderful event run by the district council, celebrating the work volunteers do in the community. A posh awards ceremony - hence the glad rags!

I had lost 3 stone in 12 months, surviving on a handful of liquorice allsorts or one digestive biscuit a day. This was my coping mechanism. Whilst I do not endorse this method of weight loss, my life was spiraling and eating was all I had control over. A familiar pattern in my life, something i had been through as a teenager.

Work was awful, I look back now and realise I faced awful bullying from co workers, my line manager did not deal with it and I really struggled. My job was jeopardised by what these co workers was saying, being so emotionally weak at the time I let them get to me big time.

I had panic attacks driving into work most mornings.

It had a massive impact on my home life. I considered leaving my husband  who offered no support. But the week before the awards ceremony he broke his leg!  After months of me begging him to give up football, karma got him. It was a sign to him to give up playing football and a sign to me not to leave him. So I stayed, endured the marriage for another 12 months when in September 2012 I left. I just couldn't face being in the home any longer. I walked away from them all. In truth I could have killed them all. I resented them all for holding me back in my life. I crashed at my mums for few months, drinking most nights, not really seeing the kids. I then found a little remote bungalow to rent. It was a couple of miles down the road from the kids. We got into a routine and they stayed every other weekend and once in the week. It was lovely, two of them would sleep in my double bed and one would sleep on the camp bed. We would watch DVDs on the weekends they were with me. We made special memories.

But I broke my own heart in two

I physically felt it break. It was extremely lonely and isolated where I was living. Rose wine was my best friend, often still drunk in the morning going to work. I was in a bad place. It was only myself who could get me out of this.

At the time I was volunteering at Gloucester Rugby club, selling golden gamble tickets for the half time draw. It gave me a purpose, got me out of the house and built my confidence - and also a free ticket to watch the rugby! I mean a single 30 year old woman watching rugby was a very welcome distraction to the shit place I was at!

It gave me a more positive outlook and built my self esteem. I was becoming Georgie Lewis again, if I wanted something I was going to get my ass into gear and get it. Which led to an encounter with an English International rugby star. It was easy manipulation if I am honest! But it was him that made me see that what I had in my life was enough, that I had far more than what I realised. Something to this day he is still chasing as nothing for him is enough.

There was still months of  self pity to come

Lots of drunken nights - like ridiculous amounts, long walks home alone along rural country lanes. I really was off the rails. I had lost myself completely I needed to find myself. Until the texts between me and my ex become jovial, playful, dare I say it flirtacious. There had been a number of encounters of sorts with other men, yet I was drawn back to him. It really was better the devil you know, I thought I was doing it all for the right reasons, for the kids sake mums and dads should be together, so I went back. At the time I was in the process of applying for a new job role that came with a huge increase in my income, which would mean him not working as much, family holidays and quality time together. The perfect family again, people around us were happy to see us back together.

The day I moved back in, I knew it wasn't right

I immediately felt trapped, but thought it was the right thing to do. I had to try for the kids sake. Unfortunately, nothing had changed. It felt like i was on the outside looking in on my life. Helpless to change anything. I threw myself into my new job, working long hours, the work /life balance was completely out of sync. I looked into various methods of help and support, marriage counselling, therapy, medication. There seemed nothing available that was relatable for my circumstances. I wanted advice from someone who had been in my position, how did they get through it, what was the impact on their children. Endless internet searches brought up nothing. Which is why I have set up my blog. I can't possibly be the only person to go through this, all I wanted was to feel normal, to know everything was going to be ok. To see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope that just this little snippet of how bad things got for me can help you to see you are not alone. That you have to listen to your gut instinct and do what makes you happy. Look after you and those around you will do the same.

If you need some support and advice get in touch.

Love Gianna x