On Sunday 25th June I put a post on my facebook page;
I did this as I have always struggled with grief. Growing up opposite a church and graveyard there were more funerals than weddings and christenings so I was used to death. But when it was the death of people whom I was close to, there was never any support, which is crazy as it is inevitable. So out of my research I am looking at grief support in my area and hoping to set something up. But for now, the responses I received are obviously anonymous.
Losing a partner to suicide
The first response was from a friend who lost her partner and father to her two boys. He tragically took his own life when they had separated, his name has been changed.
'With Rob I left home for weeks and stayed with my nan and gramp ( where I feel most at home ) for their support and basically just had to get on with “ normal “ life because of the boys. Went on antidepressants again which didn’t help me AT all. I was offered counselling but I didn’t feel like that was an option I wanted to try because I wanted to deal with my anger and upset by myself with no one around . But as you know I have jewellery with his ashes in which was a huge comfort and the boys can go to the grave whenever they like. I don’t think to this day I have fully grieved for Rob because I felt like I had to be strong at the time but I am finding certain days push me more than it used to and that’s almost 6 years on! So grief doesn’t always happen when you lose the person it can happened months or even years after.
With my Gramp I found by going to see him at the funeral home gave me comfort and closure about the fact he was gone .
And pets… when I had to rehome the cats that hurt my heart SO MUCH. They were my babies and I felt a massive loss getting rid of them all at once . And I still cry to this day about one of the cats because she was my best friend . So…… I find grieving someone or something that’s still alive ( in my case a pet) is more painful because they aren’t actually gone or dead if you understand what I mean . Where as with people( friends or family members ) I find it hard to come to terms with at first and don’t want to believe it’s true but I know deep down in my heart they are actually gone . I’m not sure how to explain it properly it baffles my own brain! But I hope that helps in some way xx'
The loss of a Dad through cancer
An old school friend spoke of her loss when her Dad passed away after a battle with cancer.
' I Would want to be on my own alot, very often so I could sit and reflect on the good times and helping through Dad's illness and question why my Dad.
I would sit and listen to music quite often as that helped a great deal.
I lost friends because I didn't go grieving to them because I wanted to be on my own.
But I also had some extremely understanding ones who were there when I needed them.
There is so much more as well I done but I would be here all day. x x'
A double loss
An old friend who struggled with the knowledge that his sister was going to die and the sudden death of his father.
An absent loss
When a friend wasn't there when his Mum passed away
'I lost my mum 8 years ago. She was living abroad at the time. I really struggled and still do to a degree. For me I had to have counselling to overcome the worst of it. When I am struggling now I like to listen to music that has memory links to my mum. I try and visit her grave every couple of years which in itself causes issues as my wife doesn’t understand my need to just go and spend a couple of days in a foreign country to visit her grave and have a chat with her etc. I only really sought help from the bereavement counsellor which I did for about 6 months. For me personally it was difficult because obviously I moved away from my where I grew up so all of my friendship group are miles away. The counselling was really helpful, it helped me learn how to control my emotions. Guess I would say that access to counselling could be easier if I were to say something that could be improved. In terms of coping mechanisms I use music. Take myself away from everyone and just play music I guess x'
Tragedy of numerous losses
An absolute tragic tale of events, where there was no let up in grief before the next tragedy.
I lost my niece and brother in law at sea a few years back. At the time, her mum, my only sister , 10 years my senior, was in hospital fighting a long term illness herself that she had since a child. Covid restrictions were in situ, so that limited any contact with my sister to support her. Funeral restrictions, too. On the day of her daughter and ex husbands funeral. I had a call to say my sister couldn't hold on and she passed .Doctors , despite her condition, said it was the grief that caused her own heart to give up. Basically, she died of heartbreak for the loss of her only daughter. For me, other than my hubby and son, I had no support initially. Not until I had complete breakdown and wanted out. My sister was my heroine. I was eventually put in contact with Improving Access to Psychological Therapies, who I must add, my case worker was amazing. Sadly, it was 2 weeks into therapy. My dad died of brain cancer, and his wife was out into an induced coma following a cerebral haemorrhage. She passed just before him. I could not continue with support from anyone as I felt angry at the world, and talking was not working. Im slowly healing, but it doesn't go. It follows daily, and I live daily feeling guilty of living as I want out most days , whilst others want life. The IAPT were fabulous with me and were accessible fast, but I do believe that is due to where I was in myself at that time. Some people wait so long for support that they give up fighting for help. Sadly, our nhs is broken since covid, and any people are suffering in silence I am thankful for their help as selfishly at my lowest was no light for me. I had never been without my sister. People advised me to turn to my faith, but again, faith and praying made me more bitter. Counselling and therapy is short-lived, but sadly, grief isn't. Guilt is the worst part for me. No person can train you how to accept feeling guilty with living. I am estranged from most extended family, so that was never an option despite attempts to put out an olive branch.'
Cliche fixes do not help
Its apparent from the above stories that time isn't necessarily the greatest healer. We all encounter grief at different stages of our lives and lose people from different stages of their lives.
It is odd that society tells us that to live to a good age we must eat healthily, exercise, drink plenty of water, avoid alcohol, smoking and drugs. Ultimately when our time is up it is up, we don't have a say in it. We have to make each day count, accept that tomorrow is a blessing and not guaranteed.
In dealing with grief we seek solace in being at peace with ourselves, the simple things we take for granted - walking, talking, listening. They all seem to help with grief. Taking time away from loved ones to make sense of life to understand the future.
Sometimes I find that we cling onto the life of people who have passed and miss out on today. We cannot live the rest of our lives grieving. At some point we just have to accept that this is life. Ashes to ashes - dust to dust. We come into the world with nothing and we leave with nothing.
We need to cherish our time with loved ones and embrace the happy times we shared. Its not to diminish the memory of a loved one or to belittle grief. Its like people who go to pop concerts filming it on their phone. For what purpose are they doing that? They are ultimately missing out on the here and now, missing the way the music actually makes them feel. You can never get that back from a video on your phone. It's the same with death. All the videos and photos we take. It's not the actual person. It can never replace the feeling the presence of that loved one actually had.
One final response
This was from a friend whose husband died suddenly
'I think you only get through it and never over it, ever. Keeping busy, focusing on other people and having great friends. X'
A bit like going on a bear hunt, we have to be brave enough to hit things head on and get through it. There is no alternative. We certainly can't go backwards.
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