Let me take you back to the start of college life. September 1997. After leaving school and spending a month working at a travel agents, I found an apprenticeship wasn't for me, so I signed up to do Leisure and Tourism course at my local college. Reunited with people from the year above me from school, I threw myself into college life. I loved it, relaxed atmosphere, Fag shed, pub down the road, catch the bus in, student union parties, I loved it. The course I chose was the right one for me, life was great. Until the 14th January 1998, it started like any normal day, off to the third floor for our marketing lesson. At the end of the lesson on the way down the stairs I passed a couple of students crying, I thought the one girl had fallen out with her boyfriend again as she was forever mopping about crying that he had cheated on her! I thought nothing more of it. As I got to the bottom flight of stairs on my way to the canteen, Lauren - a girl off my course, lush long hair, always wore this pale pink lipstick and an amazing goal keeper in netball - stopped me and said 'Brainos dead'.
Even writing this now leaves me struggling for breath.
That day is still vividly etched in my memory I feel physically sick reliving it.
Braino was in the popular lads group in the year above me at school, they were the rugby boys. You know the ones like in Grease, all the girls swooned over them? They were all different but their friendships worked, they all fancy the girls in the year below... well that was my tribe! I think between me and Suzy we managed to snog our way through all of them, but she stuck with Braino and me with 'Tarby' (his name was James but his mates called him Tarby after Jimmy Tarbuck! My first love that I fucked right up! But that's another blog post!)
Braino was this larger than life, funny, charismatic, life and soul of college type of lad. Everyone knew him and loved him. No one had a bad word to say about him. In the weeks leading up to his death it was odd as he had been having convulsions which the doctors had no explanation for but subsequently stopped him from learning to drive, something he was gutted about. On chatting to him on the Monday he was looking forward to going to uni and he had confided in me that he still loved Suzy and was going to do all he could to win her back. He told me he was going to do it right this time with flowers. He was also adamant that I should get back with Tarby and he was going to do all that he could to get us back together. He really kept on, to the point I got pissy with him. The last words he said to me were 'agh piss off then'. It was a glancing comment on the stairwell from the canteen. He passed me saying 'when you going to get back with Tarby?. You know you want to.' I didn't answer I just ignored him which is when he said agh piss off then. The last words he said to me.
Not sure why I am writing this as I am literally reliving it in my mind.
On receiving that news, I literally collapsed into Laurens arms, my lecturer Sally held me up as I was inconsolable, sobbing, hysterical. What a shit way to find out.
Within seconds I went into fight mode, I got out of their arms and ran, I had to find Suzy and Tarby. I hadn't realised that selected students had been taken into a room and told by a teacher, which I had not been included in ( am I bitter that I wasn't on that list, Hell yeah! but am glad Suzy and Tarby were.) I went into this room and neither Suzy or Tarby were there. I had to find them. I literally ran all around the site, I eventually found Tarby by the fence in the car park I held him in my arms, he was in flight mode and stunned with shock, Suzy was with Becky and was in freeze mode. That's all I remember from those initial few minutes. I remember loads of us sitting in the canteen too scared to speak, not wanting to eat and too afraid to laugh. The atmosphere was numb.
As the days passed, so to did the silence. There would be Doddy and Dizzy singing and playing guitar - Oasis - Masterplan sticks in my mind. The card games slowly began being played again and the muffled chat became talking again.
On the day of the funeral, the 21st January, the Church was rammed, I think there was over 450 people attended. A coach was put on from the college for students to travel. The funeral was horrendous. So many boys crying it was hard to take. I just remember I had to be strong for Suzy and Tarby so held myself together, until right at the end when the song began as we were leaving - Puff Daddy and Faith Evans - I 'll be missing you - that was it, I was gone then, we were all sobbing uncontrollably as we left, I then remember us all sitting in Suzy's kitchen listening to the radio - Lutricia Mcneal -Aint that just the way playing softly in the background, I have no clue how we got there. We just wanted to be together, just us.
Losing Braino at such a poignant time of life affected me massively, even more so than the rest of the Tribe. I spent years going to his grave, chatting to him, blaming him for the state of my life, thinking how different my life would have been had he not died. I think now I am finally in a good mental place I can see why I did that.
I didn't want to take responsibility for my decisions, how shit I thought my life had turned out, so it was easier to blame a dead person. I would go to his grave every year on his birthday, on the anniversary of his death and when times were shit for me, hoping he had the answers. Of course no amount of time spent at a graveside is going to make life better. But losing such a close friend at 17 made me realise how short life is and how it can be lost in the blink of an eye. I did go off the rails at that point and did not give a fuck, I did what I wanted to. Its probably why I so desperately wanted to keep my baby when I found out I was pregnant at 19. Because life was precious. It also made me consider my own mortality and what I want to happen when I die (I am aiming to reach 100, so I am sure the plans will change some what before then!) I definitely want to be buried and not cremated and at the cemetery where Braino is.
Just a month later another tragedy hit my year group at college. A serious crash on one of the main roads in the Forest of Dean on a Saturday morning. 2 lads killed and 2 seriously injured. The heart of the college ripped apart by grief again, double whammy this time. It was unimaginable, but unfortunately something that every generation experiences living here.
Its like a sick initiation that every generation has to grow up with - a friend being killed in a car crash
The Forest of Dean really is a magical place to grow up. Through all the seasons it offers stunning scenery and magnificent views. However the meandering roads that take you on the journey through the woodland have claimed the lives of many over the years. Its sickening the amount of families that have been rocked by loved ones being killed in our area. Being such a close knit community, every death sends ripple effects due to being known by so many people. Recently a lad out of Ruby's year has died after being involved in a serious collision, for her thats the second death of someone out of her year at school, history repeating!
I do think though that we underestimate the significant impact a death of a friend as a teenager can have on our lives. As a teenager we are making sense of the world, experimenting, learning, pushing boundaries, finding ourselves. To lose someone at a time where we think we are invincible and nothing bad could ever happen just completely throws us off course. We don't know who to turn too for advice, adults see it as part of growing up and that's what happens. But it isn't and shouldn't. As the innocence of childhood suggest people die when they get old, so its difficult to comprehend when one of our peers dies.
I believe, certainly where I live, that we should provide our youngsters with a refuge to go to when tragedy strikes like it regularly does here. Just giving them a phone number to call isn't enough. We have to support them through the grieving process. Just in my short time as a PCSO I experienced unimaginable grief for loved ones, suicide and fatal RTCs being the most common. One case that sticks in my mind is the knock on effect of children being murdered. The catastrophic mental effects on a childhood friend who blamed herself for being the last one to speak with the little girl. There was no support for her to grieve which subsequently led to substance misuse, suicidal thoughts and criminal activity. It was heartbreaking to witness the pain the parents were going through because their daughter had not processed the loss of her best friend in such cruel circumstances.
Its only recently that I have been mentally able to process losing Braino, there was no support for my grief then and there is still nothing now, 25 years later. Thats how long it can take to process the loss of a friend. We have to also appreciate that everybody deals with grief differently to the next person and thats is ok.
Ultimately we need to accept that grief is an emotion, the same as love and hate, happy and sad, dealing with this at a time of adolescence is even more confusing. Grief can hit us hard when we least expect it with no explanation. We just have to ride the wave until the wave becomes a ripple. Cherish the memories we have.
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