Remember… I am not an educational psychologist nor a counsellor!
When Ruby began having panic attacks I had no idea how I was going to help her. I only ever witnessed one attack for myself.
We were going to collect some rescue chickens from a farm near us and I wanted to pop to lidl to grab a few bits
She turned white and pasty, clammy and agitated. She was scared, I mean propper shitting herself. Clutching at the car so not to get out.
'I cant mum, can we just not go in. Please mum I cant do it, can we just go'
I mean even I was panicked… I only wanted some bread and milk and she wouldn’t even let me go and get that!
I stayed calm and told her it wasn’t a problem.
We duly got the chickens and returned home
Default
My unfortunate default for any situation is to yell.
Something brakes - yell at it. Kids fighting - YELL at them. Other half not listening - YELL at him
With 5 kids, 2 dogs, 3 cats and the other half with that particular disorder….
You know that one where they chose to hear you but don’t listen..
Selective hearing that’s it!
Obviously I yell a lot, all the time. I am grateful to live in a detached house!
But, when dealing with a child's anxiety - yelling DOES NOT WORK. It is a definite no no
Tip number 1;
Don't yell at a child who is genuinely having an anxiety attack, it will only make matters a thousand times worse.
Awareness
Know what an anxiety attack looks like.
A child kicking off because they don’t want to do something is not a panic attack
A child stamping their feet in a frenzy, in the porch at 8.45am when school starts at 9.00am is not panic
You cannot tell someone to 'man the f*&£k up' as they are fearful of doing something
There wont be a pattern, no specific trigger.
A child who refuses to go to every maths lesson does not have anxiety - they have an issue with that specific subject/teacher/class room.
Remove one of those barriers and the child will go to the maths lesson.
With anxiety its not any of those reasons, there will be a genuine fear of attempting that lesson at that time, yet tomorrow, same maths lesson in the same room with the same teacher as the day before - no issue and will sail through the lesson with no issue.
This then adds to the confusion as to why the initial attack happened.
Tip number 2;
Recognise the difference between a panic attack and belligerence. Do not label naughty behaviour with anxiety.
Understanding
Don’t try to understand anxiety - you wouldn’t try and understand happiness or grief?
It happens, its ok to feel anxious about anything, even if its different to what someone else feels anxious about.
Like we all feel happy or sad about completely different things in life. It doesn’t mean that we are bad or our reasons for feeling that way are bad.
We should accept that everybody feels different emotions relating to lots of different things. Dependant on other factors we all react differently to each other.
Its what makes us individual and we should be more accepting of that.
It’s the same for anxiety. Accept that some people get anxious. I think we should take the 'suffering' away from it. We don’t suffer from sadness, we sometimes get sad and the same should be said for anxiety.
We don’t 'suffer' from anxiety, just sometimes we get anxious. An attack is justified as a short term thing over quickly
So by taking the stigma - suffering away we could then accept it will pass and get easier.
Tip number 3;
Don’t question how or why an anxiety attack happened. They just do, no control or excuse. Just accept it like laughter and tears.
Distraction
Whilst in the midst of an attack allow it to take its course and certainly don’t try to disguise it.
If you don’t tend to a fire it will eventually go out or if you take something away it will go out quicker. The same can be said for a panic attack
Take them out of the situation and make them feel safe. Distract them with a something, give them control
Something that really worked for Ruby was 5 things…
Tip number 4;
Find an immediate focus to regain control, use 5 things
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
This helped Ruby to re engage with herself, calmed her breathing down and kind of got her back in the room so to speak.
It also works when you have been led in bed for hours trying desperately to get to sleep, but all you can concentrate on is the fact you didn’t wash up from tea, you forgot to hang the washing out to dry and you left a one pence piece on the hand basin in the down stairs toilet.
Like they are the worlds biggest issues! Try the tactic above, I promise it helps to distract you from the nonsense and bring you back to the present.
Engage
Work with the school, see if they offer any counselling or may be some mentoring would be of more benefit.
When I looked online to see how other parents in my situation had dealt with it I couldn’t find anyone I could relate to. There was no one to help me help Ruby. As a mum it was crippling the pain I felt for Ruby, I was helpless. As a mother we are supposed to help our children, we are supposed to hold all the answers and are meant to prevent them from experiencing any pain.
In dealing with anxiety we have to accept that everyone is different and finding a way to manage anxiety is not one thing fixes all.
It could be trial and error but at least you will be trying.
It may be that just one coping mechanism makes the world of difference.
Tip number 5;
Get as much help from as many different places until you find one that works
There will always be times when you will pull your hair out and be really frustrated with yourself that you can't help. To a certain degree you have to learn to live with it. Its cliche, I know but, time really is the greatest healer. You learn to manage it and utilise the coping strategies you learn along the way. Remember you are not alone.
Please feel free to email me or get in touch via my social media sites for support.
Love Gianna x
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