On Sunday the 25th June 2023 I put a post on my facebook page asking about everyone's experience of grief and how they coped. The response was compelling. The tragic ways how friends had lost loved ones, the cruel diseases that encaptured the bodies of the strongest of relatives, how they had sought solitude in their grief to gain an understanding of the emptiness left behind. The coping mechanisms learnt over time.
Funny how the universe prepared me.......
Within 72 hours, out of the blue I was utilising all of their experiences myself when I received shocking news. It was strange, because as I drove to work, listening to my Spotify list, a song come on just as I drove into the car park - Dancing in the Sky By 8.30am I received a text from my Godmothers' daughter asking me to call her ASAP. I immediately thought - oh no Di (my Godmother) had been taken ill and was in hospital. I called her to hear the words - Mum is dead. I was like - what, how, where, how come? Firing 1001 questions at her. I broke down and hid in my office just as students were coming into my class. My boss came in to ask what had happened, with snot, tears and spit I told him, he ushered me down to his office where I spent the next few hours phoning loved ones and arranging a lift home. Whilst there I felt I needed to write the following to help me process the exact moment.
Rawness of grief
In the absolute rawness of grief and after putting a post on FB it seems the universe was preparing me to be hit with immense grief.
Today 28th June 2023, my hero, the most awe inspiring, inspirational woman in my life passed away.
Am sat here choked up with tears. The past few hours since I was told are an absolute blur. I am numb. Gasping for air. I have checked my last messages I sent to her. To ensure she knew I loved her. Checked photos and memories fighting back the emotion and powerless to prevent my heart from breaking.
Di was the lady next door to my mum whilst she was growing up. Di lived there with her husband Frank, their so and daughter Jer and Deb. When my mums mum walked out on her, Di stepped up to be the mother figure. And boy did she step up. Supporting my mum growing in to a young woman, guiding her through the teenage years, not always agreeing with some of her life choices - particularly in men - however helping her to become a mum for herself.
When I was born, my mum made the best decision of her life to make Di and Frank my Godparents. Role models to show me how to be the best human being I could be. They did not disappoint. For a short-time I lived with them after my mum and dad split up. 32 Victoria Road was my temporary home. Di would walk me to school just around the corner. She worked there as a dinner lady, I loved the fact she was there. I still have her folders of recipes she would make. Something to cherish forever. She would practice my spellings from the hand written words in a tabacco tin, give me 5p for a packet of crisps from the cupboard at break time. On a Friday evening we would pop to 'Youngs' off license to get a bag of penny sweets. I still remember the smell now. We would have a kebab takeaway and I would be able to stay up late to watch Crystal Maze and TJ Hooker. Di taught me how to bake, every Saturday morning cakes would be made after a looooooooooooong walk into the local town. It wasn't long or up a huge hill for an adult, but for a little 4 year old it was like walking up a mountain to the end of the earth every Saturday morning! Sundays I would watch Frank in the garden preparing seeds, washing would be on the line and I would help with the roast dinner. In the evening I was allowed to iron Franks hankies ready for him to take to work.
A place of refuge
They were both always there for us. Not always agreeing with my decisions and life choices but loved me nonetheless. I remember having a fight with my mum one Saturday evening. I dialled reverse charges to 'Tarby' (my boyfriend at the time and another blog post!) to collect me. I couldn't stay at his house, so his mum phoned for a taxi to take me to Di and Frank's for the night. Appalled by my behaviour they took me in for the night, the next day they mediated with me and my mum and got me back home.
When I fell pregnant with Emmi, mum called Di to come and speak with me. The voice of reason, whether she agreed with my decision or not her compassion was unquestionable.
She taught me how to cook and bake. My therapy that I have passed onto my children. How to love thy neighbour as you do yourself, Di was always looking after an older person, Mrs Court across the road, Mr and Mrs Doane who lived nearby, the old man Vic down the road, always cooking extra for them and popping into check on them. Di always have food available when guests drop in, she taught me how to be strong without being hardened to the world. She taught me compassion and empathy, how to be a good listener, to not be materialistic and be grateful for what we have.
She was teaching Lottie to knit with such patience and pride, just has she had me when i was Lotties age.
On 7th August 2016 the day Rich and I moved into our house, Di lost her soul mate. During half time of the football on a quiet Sunday afternoon Frank went to the bathroom, collapsed and died. He was 78. Her rock whom she had been married to for over 50 years had gone.
She was never the same. She pretended to be strong but she missed him dearly. Got through another nearly 8 years without him until today was more than enough. She left us to be with him, in virtually the same way at exactly the same age. Again fate played a part, for them both to die at home in a quick shocking way, with no long suffering for them to endure or loved ones to witness. Just not giving anyone the opportunity to say goodbye was rather fitting. neither of them would have wanted anyone to see them demise and to say a sad goodbye.
And we now begin the process of finding a way to live without her.
As the day has drawn to a close and I go about my evening routine. I left the house to walk the dogs and the sky was alight. I have never in all my life seen the sky in such magnificence. There is a bench at the end of my road that is perfectly aligned to watch the sun set in summer. So I sat upon it for a moment to watch the sun go down. Knowing that it will rise again; for me, brought me comfort but the awe of such light took my breath away just as my day had started. Once the sun had diminished so to had the vibrant beautiful sky light. How apt for such a day of sadness.
Present day.....
Having now just had her 1st birthday without her, I feel strong enough to publish this post and begin my blogging journey again. Since that day i have grown ever more close with Deb, Di's daughter. We are making our own memories together, ensuring Di's legacy of compassion continues within us and our families.
I will collate the facebook responses I received regarding grief and publish another blog post about how we cope differently with grief. But for now, I hope this offers an insight to how we react to grief in the immediate aftermath of knowing we will never see a loved one again.
And please, always remember to squeeze tight when you hug someone goodbye. Ensure you tell loved ones they are loved. You never know when will be the last time you get to say it. When they pass you will be comforted by the fact you had told them.
Love Gianna x
Add comment
Comments