It seems bizarre that the whole point of this blog is for me to give you open and honest opinions, yet for the past 3 weeks I have been of work with stress and I haven't told anyone, apart from my husband, Dad, best friend and 3 older children.
Now, I have always been one of those people who plough on regardless, spinning numerous plates with work, juggling family and home life. Often saying to myself to get a grip, stress, we are all under pressure we just need to get on with it and toughen up. Always put everyone else first and worry about yourself last.
For the first few weeks I have kept my head down and milled about at home. Doing jobs around the house, going for long walks to clear my head. Spent a lot of time online looking for avenues out of the job I am currently in. Its only been this week that I have started to admit to people around me that I am struggling. When I do I often start welling up and then not able to talk about what is going on with me.
Today I went to the coffee morning I normally volunteer at during the school holidays.I was greeted with smiles and comfort. One person in particular spoke to me with such kindness. Her initial reaction; 'good for you', she said.
Shame of going sick....
Since I began to struggle at work I always felt a sense of shame to admit it to anyone. Can't tell work I am struggling as they will think I am not up to the job. Can't tell my husband I am struggling as he will think I am weak. Certainly not tell the kids as what sort of role model am I to struggle with work. The truth is since telling my loved ones they have been so so supportive. They know me better than anyone, they know how I have been struggling at work for well over 12 months, they know how hard working I am, what an amazing team player I am. Yet to admit to the outside world I am off work on the sick felt like a sign of weakness. As much as society today perceives that we should all be open about our mental health and take care of ourselves. There still seems to be that imaginary sense of Mums having to be supermums and juggle everything. We have to be seen to have our shit together. That we have our hair and makeup done before leaving the house, in nice clothes. Working 9 to 5, having a spotless house, clothes washed and ironed, meals prepared and cooked. That the kids leave the house in pristine condition. That pressure is immense and certainly too much for me to handle anymore.
Self care is the only care.....
The people I have spoken to this week have all said 'You have to take care of yourself' 'You cannot keep doing so much for everyone else and not look after yourself' 'If your not well, those around you suffer.' Today was my lightbulb moment. Years ago when I was struggling with life, work was my escape so I used it as a release. My mantra at that point was - You have to do what makes you happy, when you are happy, everyone around you will be happy' So that's what I did back then, decisions were made based on my happiness and what my life needed to be happy, I escaped my life by going to work and had a good laugh with friends at work, which made my homelife more manageable to cope with.
Today I realised that the same goes for our health. If I am unhealthy - whether that's eating poorly, physically or mentally unwell then that has a negative impact on those around me. Then I must start taking care of myself. I can already feel the tension leaving my shoulders as I write this. I must prioritise my health, it is paramount for my life and being there for my loved ones. Its amazing the difference it makes typing it out and rereading it back to myself. I am now accountable to whoever reads this.
Social medias adverse advice.....
In recent weeks in my search for a better work life balance, I have succumbed to doom scrolling on Instagram - As you know, I try to avoid Faceache. I follow lots of inspiring accounts but I am starting to believe that the vast array of them seem to be having an adverse effect on me and confusing matters even more. I follow a lot of mumfluencers - to pick up tips to enable me to perhaps one day be one. I follow celebrities, as many of them I can relate to, I follow health and wellbeing experts, coaches, mentors, therapists..... the list is endless. Yet they all seem to promote their way of life and it is just a miniscule part of their life that they want to share. Stacey Solomon summed it up nicely on sort your life out this week. She explained how social media portrays this perfect life in front of the camera, yet behind the camera it's carnage! Why don't we see the carnage. Why aren't people actually being real. Why are we not promoting real reality. So long as it is not portrayed as a pitty game, where people post how bad their life is and want sympathy. I think this is where we now need to change the narrative. We have to start seeing the whole gaboosh, life's real ups and downs. People's actual struggles. We have to be brave enough to show the world our vulnerabilities to allow others to understand them and gain strength from realising we are not alone.
It's ok not to be ok.....
But we must appreciate that my OK is different to your OK and that's OK.... OK? Seriously, we have to start showing each other more compassion and empathy. We need to teach our children to accept that everyone is different and we shouldn't want to be like everyone else. That there will be times that we disagree, feel and think differently which is amazing. In doing this they will be less inclined to hide away when they are struggling as they know everyone is different. The unfortunate thing is that social media and society suggests we should all be doing, thinking and feeling exactly the same way as everyone else. If we don't conform to that, we are then shame ourselves into pretending that we do conform. Hence why I am now in the position I am in. I have pretended to everyone for far to long that I am ok, that I have been through shit before, carried on and got through it. Swept it under carpets and ignored the issue, because I was too ashamed to let my guard down and actually say 'guys I am really struggling here and could do with some support. Obviously this is not ok as it has now led to me having to take time out from work to get my head straight.
Moving forward.....
Social media audit... I am going to cull those accounts who no longer serve me or who are filling my head with too much shit. In the hope it changes the algorithm and stops popping up more brainwashing accounts to follow. I have started journaling too, just adhoc, little things when I am feeling up or down. At the beginning of the year I also started a gratitude whatsapp group with Emmi, Ruby and my best friend. We highlight three things we are grateful for that day and one small win. Some days it's really hard to find one thing to be grateful for let alone three, but I do manage it. Every day. I am getting out in nature far more than I have over the past few years and that always seems to bring me peace. Mother nature truly is a great healer. I have also began to appreciate the peacefulness of where I live in comparison to where I work, at work I hear sirens every day and even though the room I work in is silent, my head still thinks its noisy. For a while now I have been reading a lot more than I ever have in my life. I have been reading self help books which have all really helped helped, so I will definitely be keeping that up. I have banned myself from taking my phone in the bath, so have substituted that for a book. Finally, I will also be putting my trust in the universe, to know and understand that everything happens for a reason and it will all work out in the end.
Please remember if you are struggling, for whatever reason, please talk.. to anyone, go to a cafe or coffee morning, speak to your partner or a relative. Or right it down... Mel Robbins refers to a Monday dump (your dump doesn't necessarily have to be on a Monday!) . Just dump everything that's in your head onto paper. Not for you to organise it or make a to do list from, just to give your head some space to breath and see things a bit more rationally. Whatever you do, you are not alone and things will get better, a little bit at a time.
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