Special Minky...
Rich and I have long thought that Minky was on the spectrum somewhere, following Richs diagnosis a few years ago it made us reconsider that Minkys behaviour was perhaps not just your normal naughty 2s stage of life and that maybe there was something else going on, as she took it to the next level! I don't like to refer to it as 'an issue' or 'problem'. Minky is unique and individual - just like every child. Her behaviour is not a problem or an issue, providing those who work with her recognise how she ticks and then deals with her accordingly.
Parental learning curve....
There have been numerous occasions over the years where we have experienced a difficult moment with Minky, predominantly whilst out shopping or at an unstructured time, at home milling about, when plans change at the last minute or when someone says they are going to do something and they don't do it! Minky just simply couldn't comprehend these situations and would struggle to regulate her emotions when dealing with these times.
Rich and I have had to adapt our parenting skills to accommodate Minkys needs. Let me be clear, we have not excused her behaviour or justified it with labels. We have recognised when Minky is struggling or when we think she may have a melt down and adapted. When doing the weekly food shop we write a list of what is needed and Minky has a role to play - ticking the list or getting specific items, filling the trolley or pushing it. My moto is 'Team work makes the Dream work' and by working together the job gets done quicker! When going to shopping malls we make a plan - the number of shops, what shops she would like to go in, where we will go for dinner, what we need to get. We get the job done and get from there. We plan school holidays - simply - play dates with friends, cooking days, days out, walks to the park, picnics, building bases, sleep where we want nights. We always give Minky notice of time. 10 more minutes until we need to leave, 5 more minutes left. Minky relates alot to timings, always asking how long left until tea time? How much longer until the end of the football match? What time are we going somewhere. Not that she has any comprension of time.... just so she knows how many minutes!
Overplanning....
I do go to the extreme - which makes me question whether there is an element of my own needs! I recall as a teenager I would start packing my suitcase for holidays about a month in advance, packing and repacking, checking and double checking everything. The same goes for Christmas or Easter, a list of lists about a list of lists! So when dealing with occasions I know will unsettle Minky I ensure she is fully aware of what the plan is and I have lots of things to prevent a meltdown. For instance when we go on holiday or a long journey I explain how long it will take, what we will do. Take plenty of snacks, things to do. I get Minky to help with packing so she is aware of what she has available to her. I will admit its difficult to find the balance of telling her too much information and treating her in a more mature way for her years, so I do try to speak to her in a child friendly way rather than as I would an adult.
School support....
On the first parents evening we had for Minky, we were explicit in the explanation of what she is like, the teacher was shocked by our detail and was taken aback. She could not believe we were talking about the same child. The teacher explained how loving, caring and affectionate Minky was. Showing care and compassion for her peers. We agreed this is how Minky can be, however, there is another side to Minky that the teacher was yet to experience. I think, now the time has gone by and Minky is at ease with her teacher, she is now more relaxed with her surroundings and happy to let her guard down. Coupled with Minkys 2 older sisters moving away, emotional regulation has now become a huge struggle for Minky.
At the past 2 meetings with Minkys class teacher, she has raised concerns that Minky seems sad, thats she struggles to express her emotions and cannot contain her anger and frustration. There are huge similarities with Ruby. In regards to you know that look in their eyes of being lost, unaware of what life means. When Ruby was a child she was always serious and deep in thought, like that old saying 'they have been here before'. There is a wiseness to their personality, almost a burden of too much thought, too much information to digest in their brains. Minky often says her brain told her to do it. Rich and I both agree and tell Minky its ok to be angry, however we have to give Minky the time to calm down and express herself and recognise the emotion. Not suppress it. We ask Minky to have some time out. She will take herself up to her room, before she would go up and through anything she could get her hands on, where as now she will go up and tidy, gain control over something, reorganise her sylvanian families toys or move her room around. Just have time to herself to gather her own thoughts.
Information overload.....
I do believe we need to consider the overwhelm of too much stimulation, the 24/7 access to so much information. Tv's, Ipads, mobile phones all offering access to stuff a child doesn't really need. The blue light, bright screens frazzling their little brains, all of this has to somewhere be to blame for the rise in neurodiversity diagnoses in both children and adults. We encourage our children to learn so much from such a young age, couped up in a classroom. Whilst I appreciate children are like sponges when they are younger and absorb so much information. However we are now giving them too much information and expecting them to digest it all. Particularly regarding their their mental wellbeing and how they should be able to recognise all of their emotions and be able to deal with them accordingly. This is particularly an issue that Minky is struggling with. She doesn't know why she feels the way she does, or how she should feel, yet at the moment school is encouraging Minky to do this, which she is becoming frustrated with, to the extend the teacher has said Minky is broken and she doesn't know how to fix her! I don't believe Minky is broken, she just doesn't conform to the way society expects her to be. She is unique and has this remarkable personality that society is trying to quash - something which I will not allow.
Fix society - not the child .....
This is most definitely what we need to do, what we have to do if we are to save our children from imploding! You see Minky loves being outside, the freedom, the fresh air, the feel of natural, organic items. Worms, dirt, fresh fruit and vegetables. The feel of nature, running fresh water in the brooks, the wind rustling the leaves and swaying branches, the smell of fresh cut grass, the buzzing of insects. Looking up at the stars in the night sky, listening to the sounds of the night, the dawn chorus or the evensong and silence of dusk. The taste of fresh rain on the ground after a hot day, recognising the sounds of animals. It brings Minky peace and calmness to be in nature, whether that's making a mud pie, walking through autumn leaves, sitting on a bench in a dark place of the village looking up at the stars, or going to the beach to hear the waves on the shore and feel the sand between her toes. None of this can be experienced through a screen, none of it can be artificially experienced. Whilst I appreciate the introduction of of AI is changing the trajectory of the human race, we cannot entrust a computer to provide all that a child needs. We have to allow children to use all of their senses every day, without the distortion of a screen, or the confinement of a classroom.
If we want our children to survive the world we leave behind we have to change how we educate our children. We must recognise that nature provides all that we need to survive. We can have all the materialistic things in the world - but it wont help us to live a happy and fulfilled life if we ignore nature.
With love Gianna x
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