As I walked out of work on Wednesday, I said to myself ' in trying so desperately to not let others down, I am letting myself down massively.'
That day a child with SEN needs was suspended for having their fidget toy in their hand. They disagreed with the warnings they had received as the teacher had not met their needs or followed the IEP. The student consequently refused to leave the classroom, due to the perceived injustice. That student was suspended. The teacher spoke with the student and was dismissive of the students feedback, to be frank the teachers expectations were extremely nitpicky with regards to the student not having their arms folded correctly! Yet the headteacher signed the documentation to confirm the student was to be suspended to half a day!
It tipped me over the edge......
How can any pastoral member of staff endorse those sanctions. An SEN student (who also has mobility issues) being sent out of lesson for not having their arms folded correctly. I could not take this anymore.
At the beginning of the year, my resolution was to take care of me. So many of the social media accounts I follow are always saying without our health, everything is insignificant. This year i was going to put myself first, take care of my body and be kind to myself.
I have always pushed myself to work hard and always go above and beyond to appease others. At work I was staying later, not finishing until gone five most days. My husband calculated I was giving work about £76 a week in my unpaid over time - nearly £3000 a year! Until recently I also worked through my lunch hour - unpaid - nearly £2000 a year.
So when this was all put into context, the reality hit. I was giving work my extra time for £5000 a year. You may argue what a fool I was to allow this, but it was expected of me. I was timetabled to have a lunch break away from my desk - which never happened, as cover was never arranged, so I would get stuck at my desk. All day every day. Rarely would I even get the chance to refill my water bottle or get a coffee. No chance of warming food for my lunch.
Nothing changes, if you change nothing.......
At the beginning of the week I had written in my journal and on my fridge - Nothing changes if you change nothing. I tidied my desk, shut down my computer walked out at 4.10 - early for me, but still 10 minutes late! As I walked back to my car, I told myself this was unsustainable and something had to change. When I got home, my husband was shocked to see me home so early. I gave him a hug and apologised. 'Please don't feel like I am letting you down, but would you feel bad of me if I didn't go to work tomorrow?' He squeezed me tighter and said 'don't be silly, of course your not letting me down, go sick, take some time for you.' As the embrace continued, it felt like my feet lifted off the floor, that I was light enough to float. I put so much pressure on myself to not let anybody down, to know that I could never let my husband down was a weight lifted off my shoulders. When I have explained my circumstances to my older children, they were just as supportive, confirming what I have always preached to them - You have to do what makes you happy, because when you are happy, those around you are happy too.
Woodland walks.....
So Thursday morning, I did the school run, came home and put my walking boots on and drove to a place near me where I had done a lot of walks years ago, ironically at a time when I was struggling with my mental health. A beautiful walk through the woods down to the river side, back up a cliff edge then back through the woods. I had not appreciated the impact these walks had had on me in 2012, I even messaged the guy I worked with at that time and told him how we had underestimated the positive impact all those woodland walks had on not only us but our students. Feeling the wind in our hair, the coldness on the face, the challenge of the uphill struggle and getting back at a certain time. It made me realise that the job I am in is not the right one for me. I need to be in nature, I need to work with others who struggle, people who are having their midlife moment to reset. People dealing with grief, those who are lost, where the light at the end of their tunnel is wavering.
Managing time.....
I am going to use my time off to my advantage. Journaling and making space in my head. Planning my days so they are not wasted. Walking, baking, writing. Not cleaning though as I still hate housework! Taking care of me and doing what makes me happy and reconnecting with others, nature and passions. Its surprising how much more slowly time goes when you press the reset button.
Nothing changes if you change nothing.
Add comment
Comments