How divorcing amicably can be

Rich and I joke that when we left all we had was a few black bags, a church pew and a piano. We would have late night jaunts to asda to prepare for moving in together. Fortunately we found a newly refurbished farm house to rent when we first got together, it was in the middle of a farm a mile away from where the kids dad lived. It was bliss. So quiet except for Wednesday and Saturday mornings when there were pheasant shoots. 

I had walked away from the house, the contents and the routine of family life. All that I had built up over 14 years to make a family home.

The truth of it was the guilt of leaving the children meant I couldn't fight for what I deserved. I have seen so many families separate and the dispute of belongings and finances rips the family apart and I couldn't do that. It meant I had nothing to show for the years of building a family home. But a shift in mindset meant I had to be happy. The realisation of being on this planet for such a short time meant to me that we have to do all we can to make that time a happy one.

Not once did I draw the kids into this battle. Their dad and I devised a childcare plan based around my shifts, if there was weekends we couldn't do, we swapped, parents evenings; we shared the outcomes. We communicated via text and occasionally a conversation through the car window. My ex had taken the decision to meet with Rich before I left. It must have took a lot to do that and I have the utmost respect for him to do that. They met at a mutual place to chat. I guess it was to check Rich was a good man and would look after the children. When my ex returned home, he hugged me tight and said he understood and could see Rich would make me happy. 

I never wanted the kids to hear my thoughts of their father

What sort of mum would I be to talk ill of their dad. I had loved him enough to marry him and had three beautiful children. It was not their fault that the love I had for him had diminished. It was my issue not theirs and I would not let myself down by inflicting my opinions and pain on them. They will eventually make their own minds up, they did not need my influence on that. Even to this day, the kids sometimes need an explanation, with so much water under the bridge now, what would be achieved by re-processing it all? What difference would it make? Not only that, both their dad and I have moved on. They don't need to know how bad it was for me, of course history has gone, we cannot change it, only acknowledge it and hope that it brings us an opportunity to ensure the future is better.

That was my first promise to myself. If ever I needed to rant about their dad I would do it with Rich or my best friend, when my children were out of ear shot.

The second promise was, no matter how bad things got I would not be dragging this through court to find a resolution. Why should a third party make representations on what I could get financially? I was bitter enough without the input of the courts and everything being twisted.

So my Ex spoke with a solicitor (the same as my mums - which is another blog post in itself!) and came up with an offer. We had sort of verbally agreed an offer, a minimal amount. But I couldn't face itemising all that I had put into the home, or take that away from the kids. It was still their home and I wasn't taking anything away from them. Not only that I didn't want the fight. I was done. It wasn't that I didn't care. It just wasn't going to make any difference.

Keep  kids the priority

Regardless of my feelings towards their father, the happiness of my children was a priority. None of this was there fault. Rich and I always made sure that when they were with us we would do something. Firepit toasting marshmallows, long walks, cinema nights. Nothing extravagant that would make a competition, just simple memory making. We set up their bedrooms to make it homely and planned our time wisely. It meant the children had stability. Rich and I ensured that any plans we made included them and anything that was just for Rich and me was planned for when the kids were with their dad.

Difficult conversations

When it came to the day to day spending for the kids my ex and I agreed we would split 50/50. Uniform and school trips were split. I continued to receive the child benefit payments and paid towards the school dinners. When it came to Birthday and Christmas, presents were always discussed between us to ensure nothing was repeated. I always let the children decide what they wanted to do for special occasions. I think sometimes it came across that I didn't care what they wanted to do, however my thinking was that I wanted them to choose what would make them happy. If they were happy then I was too. It has meant they have now made new traditions! I have always loved Christmas and went above and beyond to ensure it was a family day. The kids always come up to my place after they have had a cooked breakfast with their dad. We spend a couple of hours opening presents together, then they return to their dads where the girls work hard preparing a magical Christmas meal for my ex and his family. I am incredibly proud of what they do, they truly do go above and beyond and plan it for weeks. They then come back up to me later for nibbles and party games! It works for us. It may not be perfect, but its what the kids want - and that is what is important.

The grieving process

We do underestimate the roller coaster of emotion when separating from a long time partner. You evaluate your time together and think back through all of the memories. The good days, the bad times. The life changing moments, the heartache. It really is a grieving process and something I didn't realise would be as bad as it was. It was euphoric to be with someone new, starting a new journey together, then bang a memory triggered by a tv advert or sporting event would hit me head on. I would crumble and sob for no reason. As with grief the first year is the worst and after that it gets easier. I am eight years down the line now and still there are times when my heart tweaks a little bit. But its strange that I no longer remember the bad times, I think back to the good times, the memories the kids share are random and based on the simplest of times. It often felt like I was a single mum, certainly on weekends. We would have picnics by the river and come home and write stories about the tree we saw floating down the river, den building in the living room, fundraising cake sales and scarecrow trail walks.

Moving forward

Do not think that separating is an easy decision, we very often over think it and complicate it more than what is necessary, however at one point you loved that person enough to commit to them for the rest of your life. You may have been lucky enough to have children together - made through love and commitment to bring another human being into the world. You shared good and bad times together, holidays, family celebrations and New Years Eve parties. Life is about what we make of it, if we make it angry and frustrated filled with hatred than that is what it will be regardless of whether we divorce. If we make life grateful for how it was and humble by how it is then that is what it will be. It is wasted energy to remain resentful towards an ex partner for whatever reason, whether it was their choice or yours, except it and move and and be thankful for what it taught you. Allowing yourself to remain angry and hateful towards an ex is a waste of energy that could be used to be happy!

Love Gianna x