After a pretty rough week at work followed by a productive weekend, I feel loathed to go to work tomorrow. I started my new job in November, having worked for the police for 8 years I have returned to work in education, as a pastoral lead at an inner city secondary - and I love it.
Being a bumpkin, I tend not to venture to far from the little area I live in, so to be given the opportunity to work within a school in one of the most deprived areas of the county was the ultimate challenge for me. Dealing with children from a variety of cultures, religions and backgrounds was just what I needed. I could no longer cope with the endless complaints of free roaming sheep venturing into the town centre or the fact someone had cut off a branch and didn't return it!
Yes - they were that pedantic!
Any way, I was drafted in to sort out the isolation/referral room, the current leader had applied for my job and didn't get it, so my reception was some what frosty from the beginning. After just a few weeks it was clear to see why he didn't get the job. He was an absolute narcissist who thrived on being the centre of attention, frequently throwing his toys out of the pram, something students thrived on. I mean at 15 what better place to be in school than a classroom where the staff member is loosing his shit that often he frequently walks out of the classroom. He would also often call the students names and tell them that they would end up working in Macdonald's! So job number one was for me to monitor him. When he knew I was onto him, he then proceeded to start making a log of all that I was doing! What joy....
Consequently he has since left, another member of my team went on long term sick and another was really struggling with her mental health, so everything was down to me! Now we are 6 months down the line and its my turn for scrutiny. You see the thing is, with every child there is a reason. All the behaviour a child displays is learnt behaviour, from family or friends. On the odd occasion, a child will choose to be sent to me to avoid poor teachers or PE! So I have a lot of empathy with these children - I mean I am helping the rest of the school to behave by having the students who can't.
Yet here I am dreading getting back to work tomorrow. It feels like I am being scrutinised for not doing my job properly, that I am not good enough, and that I cannot be trusted to do a good job. Something I really despair of being treated like. Having had a conversation with my husband this morning about how there must be more to life I am sat here on my little terrace, in the warm spring sunshine, gin and lemonade on ice in hand and a laptop on the little bistro table, knowing there is, there must be more to life than this. This morning we discussed how between us we earn a comfortable amount yet never seem to have any excess money to enjoy the finer things in life, which I appreciate many people are in the same boat, however with the nature of the internet nowadays - do we really have to live life on the same treadmill. I am pretty sure there has been a massive shift in society since the financial crash in 2008 and certainly even more recently since covid. which asks the question.........
Why are we still living this way?
In truth its fear, its the what ifs. We have to strip it right back to the question - Why do I actually exist. Wow deep I know. But what is the actual point of life if you are not going to live it. We have to overcome the overthinking and just do it. My life has been full of peaks and troughs. The troughs have been when I have over thought things and got into a state of stress and anxiety, yet the peaks have been when I have said fuck it, thrown all my cards in the air and just see what happens and trust that the universe knows what it has planned for me. It is only now that I have come to realise that I must trust that the universe knows what it wants for me. We are on this planet for a ridiculously short space of time that its almost insignificant. So why not make the biggest impact we can whilst we are here? One book that has certainly helped me to realise all of this is Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers I have read it twice and it certainly makes a lot of sense. So what if things dont work out
How do I overcome this feeling of fear on a Sunday night?
Well my daily routine is wake at 5 and walk my dogs, it helps to open my eyes and wake me up a bit, think its something called circadian rhythm, prep my lunch and Marnies tea. Tidy up from the night before and have my breakfast. Let the chickens out and make sure all animals have been fed. I meditate for 10 mins, then do make up and get dressed. ( I wear PJs and a long coat to walk the dogs - birthday suits in public is frowned upon where I live!) I leave my house at 6.45 to get to work for 7.30. Then the onslaught begins, but in fairness the day flies by and 4 o'clock soon comes around!
I honestly think its the routine that gets me through the day and week. I write a list most evenings and the sense of achievement ticking them off sets me up for the day. Plus having the biggest mug of tea going. You know the free sports direct gigantic mug - yeah that full of tea and a teaspoon of honey!
Getting to work on that Monday morning and surviving the first day prepares me for the week ahead, it means I got through the worst day of all so can easily get through the rest of the week.
When things were really bad in a previous job role I suffered panic attacks driving to work, the fear was that bad. I was rock bottom and on the receiving end of bullying, I found the only way to get through that was to plough on. Walk tall and keep my head held high. They were vile to me, but each day I went to work the more I pissed them off. They couldn't break me and I knew that their lives must have been really empty to be so concerned about my life!
So if your struggling on a Sunday night remember
Write a list, tick them off, even if its medial, mine is walk dogs, let chickens out etc, gentle reminders that can easily be ticked off - this will give you a sense of achievement right from the beginning.
Be positive - again the small things that bring you joy - a nice smell, a memory, getting out of the house on time, the small things add up to big things.
Walk tall and shine bright - don't let the fuckers get you down. The more you smile - even if its fake - its infectious and sends out positive vibes.
Be grateful - for what you actually have. Again the small things, nice food for breakfast. Getting to work safely, the weather, birdsong. The silence.
It really is the little things that all together make a big thing.
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